Prologue

I never understood why so many writers always talked about flowers and trees in their liturature. I always found talk of daisies and sycomore trees to be dreadfully dull and quite cliche'. Other than a child or botonist who honestly gives a fuck about plants? Sure they are beautiful and full of vibrant colors. However, I haven't been able to see in any color other than black and white since I was a child. The only thing that facinates me about them now is their celluar structure and their place in they evolution of life. My wonder about their lives and if they posess a spirit or some sort of self-awareness in which we are unaware. I assume they don't, to their great fortune.

I do love trees. They are the symbol of life, the longest living things that grow out like the tree of evolution itself, branching out while reaching for the life giving rays of the sun. They feed us air and once provided shelter for our ancestors from predators. They are stunning in their size and the heights they reach. They out live us by centuries and even millenia. I remember once reading about a species of tree that lived for over 5,000 years. That tree would have been a seedling during the dawning of great human civilaztions. It would have seen the Egyptians rise, shaded the great Greek Philosophers in the haze of the sun while they wrote their masterpieces. They might have beared the blood of Roman soliders as they fought their way to becoming a great empire, and then witnessing their fall. It would have grown despite the darkness of the Middle ages, through the centuries of enlighenment and the dispursing of knowledge throughout the world. It could have sketches of hearts and names of long gone lovers. Lastly it would have died during the mass destruction of the earth by the hand of man or the closing of the timeline of existance.

But enough about trees. Now in the digital age, paper is no longer needed to write a book. Although the smell of paper and the feel of it's texture against my fingers is something I miss greatly. If in time we no longer use paper and ciliziation collapses, what will we have to leave behind for others to comprehend? USB Drives, Discs, drives and servers full of numbers and codes that would be so difficult to decipher? Like every human I want to leave something behind for others to see one day. I feel like an individual in a tree of life, branches of humanity are a part of me that seem more important than lesser creatures. I guess arrogance isn't absent in my position as a human, although I admire animals more than humans. Many times I've been in such a state of rage that I wish all human beings dead. In their chosen ignorance, aggrogance, and stupidity, the masses don't deserve life when so many of them fail to take full advantage of our power.

Simutaniously i ache with fear of a nuclear winter, yet smile slyly at the idea that even cockroaches would survive roam the earth, proving our own failure as a species while feasting our corpses. My hatred for everything that is ignorance or selfishness fuels my anger and rage against humans. People telling me what is right or wrong when no such thing exists in reality. Deluded perceptions inflict scars on our progress, the inferior collective consciousness of some sickens me.

In my mind, the same models, representations of my loathing run through like a cycle of misery. My own personal failures, the failures of others and groups of people and their politics their methods of reasoning or lack there of. The confusion of my own beliefs that lead me to believe and admit that I myself understand nothing. Just like everyone else I am a sack of living cells, broken down further a collection of an uncalculatable or comprehendable collection of atoms. The equation of life, if their is such a thing is still unkwown, the purpose unwritten. Predetermined or chaotic no one knows yet. The more I learn about science the more powerless I feel. The more I realize how fucked up I am the more hopeless it seems.

Just like everyone I want to leave behind part of myself, I don't want to live forever in this world, not as it is certainly, not with this brain. I want to die knowing that some part of my fucked up life will be passed along to generations. Like most people I could spread my inferior genes that like a virus will infect this earth, but I don't want the responsibility. I want the glory and attention that I never had as a child. I want to be the most important thing around to myself and not some child stealing my limited resources. How could i look my child in the eye and say, I'm sorry I had you, I'm sorry reject existance just like I did, go on and have a child yourself and subject them to the same misery I subjected you to. Now excuse me while I go off and kill myself out of guilt and leave you all alone with the burden of guilt. A continuation of the cycle of misery. I wish I could be like a tree, seeing life rise and fall, not feeling pain or any responsibility to do anything great. Just living and part of a seemless process of life and death.

I have always been a writer, but because of who I am, I didn't do it properly. I don't really give a fuck about grammar or sentance structure, to me it seems old fashioned and pointless. In an age where IM languge is used why does it matter whether or not i use proper subject verb agreement? Language varies amoung groups, and the group I am trying to apeal to are people who are not so uptight that they care about that sort of thing. How is someone like me, inflicted with so many mental disorders supposed to even accomplish writing a single paper? If failed to do so on many occasions, allowing for my anxiety and depression to stop me from writing my college English Research paper. The guildelines only allowed for 3 mistakes for an A. There are always critiques.

Who I am? That is a complicated question. There are catogories in which I could be placed into to give someone an idea, although their preconceptions might be off a bit to my dislike. Reflecting personality that I don't quite agree with. What I best descrive myself as is hard to say. Firstly I guess being female is primarily who I am. I'm obsessed with my looks, shove my fingers down my throat after a visit to the Chinese buffet. I don't eat high in fat foods regularly and try to get regualar exercise when I'm not going through a depression.